July 17, 2008

Feelings

Tony did really well at driving.  He took the bull by the horns and went for it. There was the inevitable stalling but it wasn't long before he'd changed up to 3rd gear doing about 35mph!! I could sense he was feeling a bit out of control but let him go for it for a while. In the end he drove up the airfield and back, doing a 3 point turn, and only stalled it once. He's really keen to go again and now he has his licence we can do road driving too Auto

I'm beginning to feel like I'm really at home now. I've pottered and sat and shopped when I wanted to. The house feels clean and fresh and tidy and I don't even mind emptying the cat litter. I've had the windows open all day and it was even nice enough to sit in the garden. It got quite hot in fact and the other evening was positively Mediterranean; warm breeze late into the night Island with a palm tree

I feel much calmer.

Things took an unexpected turn today though and although it's a contradiction to what I just described, it's all part of the changes in life and the growing that I/we do.

Yesterday I felt completely fucked! I was having a good day and didn't expect to feel like that. Don't know what that was about. It was an unexpectedly nice feeling though. But today I felt melancholy, distracted and agitated all at once. At times close to tears. A wave of uncertainty came over me: uncertainty about myself and my worth; my actions; my thoughts and feelings. The agitated bit felt like 'charlie'. Raised pulse, deepened breathing, pounding sensation in the gut but without the speedy effect. It's gone now. It came on unexpectedly and suddenly and wasn't supposed to happen.

Now I feel more settled and certain. So where did it go? All that upset and turmoil.

I had the 'conversation' early enough to remind me I am OK and pretty much on the right track. Once I knew that, my mood started to lift. Now it feels warm and settled inside ... metaphorically speaking. Literally speaking, I feel bruised in the gut as though the earlier sensations were very real ... and the tops of my legs ache (but that could be because of my back).

So that's all OK now then Party

Or is it? Is it all a consequence of my relationship with Niadh. It's all a bit uncertain at the moment and I feel it is now Niadh's decision to make. He needs to know where he wants to be and who he is. That's my judgement alone but I think he would agree.

There's a lot of uncertainty around now I think of it. Me and Niadh and the future that holds and then there's going back to work. I know what I'm going back to it but not what it's like there now. Were my feelings yesterday and today related with this? The answer has to be possibly, or is it probably?

I guess it was all a result of how I have been feeling and how I acted upon that. I think I've been trying to get on with my life in a constant manner even amongst the inconsistencies. I just get into a routine and Niadh comes home. I'm not blaming him but it's not easy sometimes adjusting to having someone in the house who doesn't seem to be there a lot of the time. He's probably here more then he isn't a lot of the time, but it feels like it's the other way round at times.

So what I've been doing lately, it seems, is living independently of Niadh. The 'track' I was talking about. A bit of doing what I want when I want but also trying to include him when I can, but he doesn't always seem to want to be included. Trying to maintain my own routine amongst the adapting to his.

I think that might be where some of my 'niggles' have come from in the past. I've tried to maintain my own routine for some time and possibly got a bit obsessive about it. Wanting things done in a certain way otherwise it would wind me up. Even having friends round grew to be a bit of a chore even though I wanted them there! There's nearly always a mess when visitors leave.

I clear up as I go along and Niadh doesn't. He clears up afterwards so why does that wind me up? I guess it's because he's not doing what I'd do!

Ho Hum. The battle of trying to keep control when you haven't got it in the first place Sigh. If I didn't know what was going on I'd be worried about myself but I know I can calm this down and find the middle ground I need. I have to relinquish control because I've never had it in the first place. I mean the feeling that I have control over life - something common to us all. Truth is, we have some control over where we can take our lives but not over the events and changes that go on around us.

Ergo: I have no control over what I cannot control. So get on with it!

[ergo (Latin) conj. & modif. therefore, hence, consequently, thus]

I've also been ignoring phones a lot lately. My mobile has been switched off a lot when I'm at home and I haven't always taken much notice of who might have rung if I haven't heard the home phone. That part feels great ... not having to think about the phone, any phone.

Now I think of it, the unexpected events of the week probably weren't that unexpected. If only hindsight weren't so retrospective. I wouldn't have been so surprised!

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