July 02, 2008

Here It Begins

HotThe Holidays Start Here. A 4 week break all bar 2 days. It doesn't seem possible. I'm obviously not in the swing of it yet as I keep feeling there's something I should be doing, or somewhere I should be going.

But there isn't.

I need to keep telling myself that.

This break could be the space I need to find my balance again. The space to balance my inner core. Balancing my spirit and soul. Continuing the journey of 'Righting' myself.

I thought some of it was coming back a while ago but it all seemed to come undone again. I couldn't get work out of my head and I felt full all the time - full in the head, that is. There didn't seem to be much room for what I wanted. I found Stevenage harder to get out of my head, at the end of a day, than CHAC. I guess there was the added responsibility in my post and the overwhelming nature of it at times. Let's face it, I had more jobs on the go at any one time than I was used to. I nearly always felt that there were numerous jobs not completed, that I was often chasing my tail and getting nowhere. It was the days when I started jobs and actually completed them that I felt good about the day. At CHAC I didn't have so many threads on the go at once.

Right now those threads don't matter. I can cut them and get on with my holiday. I still expect it to take a few days to really feel like I'm relaxed and at home and not having to go to work.

3 and a 1/2 weeks of freedom and relaxation. I intend to take it as it comes and be as spontaneous as I can. I'd like to find a cheap, short break at a moments notice. It sounds quite exciting. Or I may just nip off to the Brecon Beacons for a visit for old times sake. I haven't been there for years, apart from driving through them on the way down to Tim & Sues'. I'd quite like to spend some time there again, walking and sitting and looking. I could go on to visit Tim & Sue if they're at home.

Or I may just do both. A few days in the Brecon Beacons and a few days somewhere abroad.

Or I may go somewhere else entirely. Or I may not go anywhere at all.

The world's my oyster.

And then there's Dorset and Cambridgeshire .... and family. I now have the time to research local parish records and see what I can find out. There are the graves of the Dings in Fen Stanton and Fen Drayton and living family in Dorset. I've got enough to make some kind of inroad on more of the family history. And possibly catch up with some of them.

Would I feel more grounded, more aware of my roots? I don't know what I'll feel when I meet another member of my mothers family or my dads family come to that. There was that email from cousin Steven's mate a while back but no reply when I answered. I don't know who's dead or alive. That's one emotion I know I will feel ... sadness at the absence of people I'll never have the chance to see again. There are people I remember more than others  ..... Philip, Barbara and Lorraine particularly. The last time I saw any of them was at mums funeral over 20 years ago. There will be others I haven't seen since I was a child. Likewise on my dads side. Last time I saw any of them was at his funeral 34 years ago!

I might try looking up cousin Steve. I miss my dad more than I miss my mum but I think that's because he hasn't been there for most of my life. He died when I was 18. I feel like I don't really know him and yet I do. Part of me is him, yet I didn't have much chance to get to know him properly.

Perhaps this is something I need to do in my own journey - get to know myself through my parents and family. It'll put another perspective on life and things. It will certainly supply me with the roots .... or will it?

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