October 20, 2008

Disassociation?

By the end of last week I'd switched off to the extent of not even knowing what day of the week it was. I seemed to be immersed only in the moment and had no thoughts of anything else. The empty-headedness wasn't a meditative state however, it was just empty-headedness .... and it was wonderful.

I kept forgetting what I was doing and as long as it wasn't dangerous it didn't matter. I must have had my wits about me somewhere to be aware of the things that did need doing, such as feeding the cats and feeding me.

Time became immaterial and irrelevant. It was like stepping off the planet again.

It was interrupted when Nile came down. He'd initially said he might come down this weekend or next. I didn't expect a phone call Friday afternoon to say he was on his way. By the time he got here I was in my own little world and wasn't very welcoming. I think I just wanted to be left alone. My focus didn't really come back until Saturday and that was only because I had someone else here.

We had a nice day Saturday, visiting friends, and he went back to London that evening. With hindsight I might have asked him to stay away if I'd known he was coming. Part of me just wanted to carry on that empty-headedness.

Tanya had tried phoning Thursday and Friday but  I ignored the call. By the time I spoke to her on Saturday she was quite worried. Apparently I'd promised to phone her on Wednesday but I was so into my own little world that I forgot. I had to pull myself up a couple of times when I got talking about work - something I hadn't wanted to do but it just seemed to get hold of me and come to the boil. I started feeling angry and my face began prickling.

I'm not sure I've ever had a physical manifestation of a subjective feeling before. The prickling in my face came about more when I thought about returning to work.

1 comment:

Hi. I'm unable to take your call right now, but if you leave a message I'll get back to you as soon as I can.