I seem to be reading books I need lately. I seem to be choosing books I need. Books about love, life and how to move forward. How life springs from death but more importantly how life springs from allowing yourself to mourn death … the death of loved ones and the things you love. It can only be through mourning these things that you can truly allow yourself to live.
Mourning/Morning = a beginning which comes about through an end. How odd that two words that seem so far apart can have similar meaning to me now.
There will be moments throughout the rest of my life which I will long to tell my parents about – when I will have to love them and leave them over and over again (acknowledgement to Julia Gregson – ‘East of the Sun’). I’ve felt those moments throughout my life but chose to block them out as they got too painful. The pain is many things; the love I had, the love I never thought I had, the love I lost, the love I chose to throw away. I never allowed myself to really mourn those losses and move on. It would have meant feeling a sense of belonging and loss in a world I was determined to live in on my own. But I’m coming to realise that the desolation of living on my own is more painful than the desolation of losing someone close to me and acknowledging it.
How can I move on if I don’t acknowledge that lost love? And is it really ever lost? I carry it with me in many ways. It seems now that to carry it forward with me is to allow myself to love and live.
I thought it strange that when I finally got the pictures of my father that I had longed for that I missed him more than ever. 35 years later! Perhaps it’s not so strange after all. Looking at the photographs was like facing up to him and facing up to the loss of him. I can see in the pictures of him holding me, without a shadow of a doubt, that he loved me. I can see that my mother loved me too. It’s written in their faces. After all these years of wondering, now I know. With the pain comes comfort and I hope it is the comfort that will ease the pain.
East of the Sun made me weep uncontrollably towards the end because it touched so brightly on something that flared inside me.
Look well to this Day
For it is Life...
the very Best of Life!
In its brief course lie all
the Realities and Truths of Existence
the Joy of Growth!
the Splendour of Action!
the Glory of Power!
For Yesterday is but a memory
and Tomorrow is only a vision
but Today if lived well makes
every yesterday a Memory of Happiness
and every tomorrow a Vision of Hope
Look well therefore to this day.
(Ancient Sanskrit Poem)