October 01, 2011

Fear and Understanding

At the risk of repeating myself, I write again about my love for a man I never expected to meet. A man I fell in love with on day one. A man I wanted to be with from day one. And what an amazingly sexy man he is.
We can talk about anything under the sun and discuss topics previously felt taboo with other people. I feel like I’ve met the part of me I longed for from childhood and throughout my adult life, the part that felt unattainable and a deep fantasy. He is my soulmate and life partner, my lover and boyfriend, my best friend and companion.
There is no place where I may go and not there see his face, not know I am his sower and his sown. We feel as one in our similarities and separate in our individuality. I love him deeply and without exception. I’d gladly drown in his eyes and in his soul. I find words I didn’t know I had to describe him and my feelings for him, and I see possibilities in life I didn’t know existed. I look forward to spending life with him.
The intenseness of my writing is matched only by the intenseness of my feelings for him. I feel as though everything else this blog is about is on hold for the time being, even though my righting is still deeply exploratory. I want to understand my feelings and the intenseness of them and to understand the deep, primal lust for life and Stephen that I now feel. It is as though something surges up in me and threatens to overflow and I don't know whether to allow it to. Something deep within me tells me I should let it overflow and erupt; that it will not harm me. It is something known and unknown to me and I am at once afraid and not afraid.
Life seems full of paradoxical situations and ideas lately and I love that duality of things. I feel safer in exploring them than ever and take comfort in being able to share them with someone who enables me to go deeper in my understanding than ever. He is my comfort and my safety net and he understands me to a point that no-one else has ever reached. I feel invaded and possessed by an aspect of me that left me long ago. He is my completion and my teacher and my pupil.
If allowing him to understand himself will allow me to understand him more richly then so be it. My desire is to allow him to become the person he can truly be more fully than ever. This I am not afraid of. Strange that there is some fear of what I allow myself to experience and understand. I feel that I can contain the strength and depth of him more than I can contain my own. Is it because it comes from within me? Perhaps what is known is more to be feared than what is not. This contradicts the saying that 'the only thing to fear is fear itself '.
Is it my own fear that is known to me?

1 comment:

  1. What great news... I hope things do work out for you both..

    and as an aside this: http://youtu.be/6Gknp-8ltmE

    cos you aren't facebooking much!


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