More than ever in my life I feel that I will be sharing life with someone rather than living alongside them. We each have similar thoughts about what life could be like and we both know we have to work at it. We both seem to operate from a nurturing angle for the benefit of the other. I am at my most open and honest with Puck and look forward to the challenges and possibilities life will bring to both of us. I feel everything I give returned to me.
Something I read recently sums up quite nicely my own thoughts about relationships. More than anything I wish to see Puck become the person he most truly can be and the most happy he can be and I know he wishes the same for me. Marianne Williamson wrote the following about relationships:
"Our relationships can be trips to heaven or trips to hell, depending on how we ourselves choose to interact with another person. Knowing the principles of loving relationship— recognizing the spiritual lessons afforded us by each encounter — gives us skill and even mastery at this basic human experience. It is through relationships that we either rise to our most creative possibilities in life, or fall into the patterns of fear that would consistently hold us back."
We have already discussed patterns of fear and vowed to tackle them between us. With Puck I do not feel afraid to face my fears for I know he will be there to keep me safe. Just as I want someone to feel safe and comfortable with I also want to protect and comfort him. He is the dearest thing to have happened to me and the most profoundly loveable person to have entered my life. I don’t just love him - I am in love with him, deeply and totally.
The things we look forward to doing in our lives match so well too. I can feel days coming on of cooking, pickling, baking, gardening, cycling, walking, meditating, ritual, writing, reading, pursuing passions and ideals, staring at stars, watching sunsets and sunrises, decorating our home and making it truly ours, learning and teaching, dancing in thunderstorms, protesting and becoming involved, and generally wondering at life and our life together. This list is by no means exhaustive.
In short I want to share everything with him that life has to throw at me. I am ready for more change than ever and I am ready for change with him.
He will be pleased to know that I have finally phoned a chimney sweep and left a message asking for a return call. It’s getting chillier at night now and a fire in the grate would be far more preferable to the electric heaters. For years I have meant to go to the woods where I used to live to collect fire wood and never got round to it. That is about to change as are many other things.
…… slight pause …...
Slight pause there to phone him and hear his voice. I love him more than anything and anyone I have ever known. I love talking to him and listening to him. I love hearing his laughter and the tone of voice when he tells me he loves me. I love knowing what he is doing and what he is thinking and I get the warmest, most tender feeling when I think about him and see him and hear him.
He’s just told me his mum bought him a card recently because it reminded her that we both love clouds. She must be the most romantic mother I’ve ever come across. She talks about our love for each other, barges between us so she can hold our hands, and accepts me as Stephen’s boyfriend/partner rather than his ‘special friend’. This is a bit of a revelation to Stephen. It means I am free to express my feelings about her son to her. I even thanked her for giving birth to him the first time I met her.
…… end of slight pause …...
I have not looked forward to change in life so much as I do now. In my previous 2 relationships I thought of ways to keep my own space so that we would not get in each others way. In this relationship I want him in my space, I want to learn from his presence and I want to absorb him. I know there will be times when both of us need our own space for one reason or another but it doesn’t feel like we’ll have to work at it. Even the word ‘relationship’ seems the wrong word to use. We are symbiotic even in our separateness. The word ‘organic’ springs to mind.
Interesting to think that the word “relationship” felt wrong. It is surely a relationship we are in but it feels more than that. I can’t voice what the ‘more’ is yet but it will come to me I am sure. We are together and that’s that. I never want this to end. He feels so right in my life that not being in it would be so wrong. It doesn’t feel right when we are apart now. It feels almost as though he has been around for most of my life already and will be around for the rest of it. He exists alongside me and with me and I feel I belong with someone more fully than I have ever experienced before.
But then, everything with Stephen is more than I’ve ever had before.
Roll on December 14th.